how to have an amicable parting

Classics 101: Great Expectations

emphasis on the EX. because no, we are not taking about the book, although the author, charles dickens, plays quite a part. the first four letters of his last name anyway.

pretty much, if we are in the female gender of the homo sapiens species, we have experienced one or two ex-es from hades. or gehenna. or h-e-double hockey sticks. there’s the dreamers, always talking about the ideal job and how much money they would make someday, but never could hold a job, so even if we are on the thin side, we are milking cows. there’s the testosterone loaded ones who wait for us to get dressed then take us down, so if they had not invented the pill we would be pregnant everyday! there’s the light handed ones who think slapping and roughing a woman around is a pro sport. we might as well be paid at the boxing training place. there’s the over jealous one that would even get jealous of our cats or dogs. oh no, not a wag of the tail!
or, they would be all of the above in one man. God help us!
so, how do we prevent ourselves from being primetime news of the found dead kind? two words: tact and diplomacy. and women, thanks be to God, are in abundance of it. we could use it to our advantage. make it really sound like it’s us and not them. that they deserve better. that we would be better as friends. and whatever wile it is we could think of. but parting amicably would add years to our lives.
it’s just a battle of testosterone and estrogen. hey, if women could take the pain of 28 broken bones when having a baby the natural way, if we could have five or so days of the month while young on the red dot, and if we could deal with hot and cold sweats come menopause, we could rule the world.
wait, we already do!
xoxo, Josie

classics 101: The Hobbit

excuse me for the wrong spelling. wrong vowel, extra b. it should be spelled the habit. the word which could be a last name, and the ONLY first names it could have would be either good, or bad.

habits are pretty hard to break, because some of them had been with us since we were born – burping and farting indiscriminately, for example. but we will limit ourselves today to that habit that bury us upside down if we are not careful:
the habit of owing. america is known to immigrants who have come here in rat infested ships, wheels of airplanes, dump trucks turned into boats, and airless containers, as the land of opportunity. it will quickly turn into the land of
OWE-portunity if we are not careful.
the first mistake is always not saving. the paycheck is never enough. that would easily be fixed if we never, EVER, live above our means. if we look around us when we get home today, and look at all the things we bought and don’t even glance at anymore, let us tell ourselves, that would’ve been money in the bank.
dusty dvds, anyone?
second mistake? credit cards. once we sign up for one, our mailboxes would be flooded with others. true, we need to build up our credit to get to the big leagues of buying cars and homes. but there is a way that we would not be buried with finance charges, especially store cards, and never getting out of the in the red zone. the way to do it is, we get one that one we could pay off the next month and one that we can pay off over the amount due. that way, credit builds up and it would not be overwhelming.
there are many more mistakes that we always rationalize with – “but i work so hard! i deserve all of these!” that is true! but if it causes us sleepless nights and a very bad phobia of the mailman, that’s not good. eating out a lot, buying that expensive coffee with names we can’t even pronounce, getting groceries and stuff without a list, (or even with a list, go beyond), and many more, are other culprits. we’ve made bestselling authors on books on these topics, when we know deep in our hearts we have the common sense enough not to overspend.
if we already are in this situation, the best solution is, don’t owe anymore. pay off existing debts first. if employed full time, get that 401k going. if at 50 or so, we are in el nido sipping drinks with the little paper umbrellas for itty bitty slobber rain, ours hopefully, you will thank me.
now stop singing i owe i owe so off to work i go. snowhite is awake.
xoxo, Josie

on weird questions

i’ve been asked all kinds of questions from how’s your day? to what are you?. it’s usually easy to answer how’s your day with “hwe” or blah, especially if someone asks me this question just about everyday. what are you i was asked way back, and i felt so smug when i answered, a human being. i know she, (of course it was a she), was asking about my ethnicity. it has been my experience that it depended on which store i was, and i would be always be mistaken as an employee because of the way i look. so anyway, i gave this lady a short history lesson, and a little manners lesson.

water under the bridge, that. this last weekend though, i was asked a question i actually was at a loss to answer. me? who always had a smart answer to just about everything. especially when i’m wearing my witty thong. the question? hi! what brought you in here today? by a girl in a candle and lotion shop. it was almost a give me a password or you can’t come in question. i squeaked out, the smell?
must’ve been the right answer or close to it because i got away scot free. actually i was just following my daughter who had gone in earlier while i put some purchases from another store in the car. i don’t know why i did not give that answer instead. the smell? what a lame answer. if that girl had been anywhere like me, she’d probably queried back, of what? then a whole can of worms would have sprung open out of medusa’s head. smell of feet, dirty undies, fried dried fish. anything else but candles.
so, until now, i still have ptsd from that question. i hope there would not be a next time.
what brought you in here today? seriously?